After having the cock of one of the world’s largest corporations in your mouth, there’s nothing quite like a refreshing Diet Coke to wash it down. Right Tom?
Ouch.
Listen, I’m not getting my priggish panties in a twist about anyone seizing the opportunity to shill for sick amounts of money. That is the American way. Certainly, it’s fair to ask any celebrity at what point it behooves them to wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills instead of ten dollar bills (particularly in the no longer rare instances where recovered iconoclasts, with no apparent sense of irony, urinate on their legacies by becoming what they once despised). By the same token, it’s fair to ask: would any citizen, if offered unbelievable bucks to proclaim their desire to buy the world a Coke, turn it down? Most wouldn’t, and it’s because most citizens are not already wealthy. For the ones who already have more money than they can count, it does not seem unreasonable to suggest that their lust for filthy lucre has torpedoed their self-respect. So what?
Full disclosure: I’m a fan of Top Chef(I’m especially a fan of Padma Lakshmi) and despite the whole reality show silliness and inflated self-seriousness of the judges, there is no question that these people have dedicated their lives to food. The stakes (being “top chef” is obviously subjective and one wonders how transparently camera-ready the contestants are to be chosen to compete in the first place) are subjective and almost irrelevant (though not to the winner who gets a nice sum of money and, in this day and age, the certainty of a book deal or at least sufficient clout to attract investors for the financing of their own restaurants), but the focus is on preparing good food, period. That is its own reward (for the contestants, for the viewers) and any emphasis on healthy eating is undeniably a positive development in our fast food nation. Therein lies the proverbial rub. Let’s get real: just being on a network show (no matter how benevolent or banal the show in question might be) involves an acknowledged endorsement of corporate interests (hence the product placements in the Top Chef series, “brought to you by the Glad family of products”…). That’s the nature of the game, and anyone who claims there is a way to entirely avoid some semblance of compromise is naive about how information (no matter how benevolent or banal) gets disseminated to a large audience. Therefore, if everyone one sees on TV has to some degree sold out, what’s the problem?
To bastardize Orwell, some sell-outs are less equal than others. For instance, the astute reader might point out that the aforementioned Ms. Lakshmi has herself pimped product, including a notorious (and yes, very sexy) commercial for a poor man’s McDonald’s. Here’s the thing: I have no…beef with that for two reasons. One, Lakshmi not only avows that she actually does, on occasion, enjoy a greasy burger, but one can actually believe she is telling the truth. But two, and more importantly, she is not pretending that the disgusting mass-produced slop is anything other than what it is. Indeed, she is celebrating her willingness to periodically enjoy a meal that is, aesthetically and organically, virtually opposite of any of the meals she judges on her show. This is neither hypocritical nor offensive.
If Colicchio had a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up (to paraphrase Eddie Murphy pretending to quote Richard Pryor),it would be difficult to single him out for any unique offense. Even the commercial from above is pretty innocuous. For whatever it’s worth, I would never have noticed it, much less been outraged by it. It is actually the advertisement I saw in a magazine the other day (which I can’t seem to find online, so if anyone can track it down, send along and I’ll include in this post), which features Colicchio improbably enjoying a Diet Coke with what looks to be a delectably healthy portion of salmon. Even this is trivial, but it’s the text of the ad that invokes nausea: Good Taste Is Knowing How To Eat Right.Oh really? So, unlike Padma, you are not content to throw it out there that you enjoy the occasional (or regular) caffeine fix in your chemical swill; it’s actually part of a healthy meal? That’s just how you roll? Allow me to call bullshit, and feel free to supersize it. Let’s check out the ingredients in one of those invigorating diet cokes:
Carbonated water. Okay.
Caramel color. Hmmm.
Aspartame. Now we’re talking. (This is not the soiled detritus from Satan’s kidney, but it is certainly controversial)
Phosphoric acid. Sounds healthy to me!
Potassium benzoate. Only the good kind.
Natural flavors. You know, from the cola fruit (maybe the same thing that flavors the Cola slurpee?)
Citric acid. If you insist.
Caffeine. What’s not to love?
Sounds like the foundation of any refreshing and salubrious beverage to me.
Maybe Colicchio had no idea that his appearance in this ad was going to present Diet Coke as misguided propaganda for healthy eating. In all fairness, and in respect to his integrity, there is every likelihood that he showed up and was under the impression that he was merely going to exchange his name (his brand as an aficionado of elevated cuisine) to sell more product, for money. A little quid pro quo: you take their money, they take your soul, no harm no foul. I’m sure he is outraged by the way this pernicious corporation has appropriated his status as a man of wealth and taste. I’m sure he would be more than happy to set the record straight, if he could just get that cock, I mean coke, out of his mouth.
